it's more than just a heartbreak

You tell me you love me
you tell me you care

you tell me you were making plans to leave months ago

to me that means you never loved me and never cared and that I was played for several months.  You should have just told me.  How could you put on an act, put on a show? You say it's because you didn't want to hurt me, are you serious?!?!? you hurt me a million times more by lying by pretending... that makes me feel that most of 2010 was just a lie!!! everything that happened, everything that was planned, every activity I did, every dollar I saved, everything was just a big fucking lie!!! For months you acted like everything was fine! for months you told me you loved me and kissed me goodbye!! how could you look me in the eyes and lie!!  How could you spend all that time with me and act like you loved me if it wasn't true? Really what was I to you for all those months?

and if that's not the case, what the fuck is going on then? if you love me like you say, why are you doing this to us? are you worried? did something happen? before you said you were leaving everything was fine, we loved, we laughed, we smiled.... what did I miss?? you said you were thinking of getting engaged, did you scare yourself away?? my only issue was that we didn't live together yet because I always thought that would make us stronger, are you scared of that? are you scared of what we could be? are you scared that we will end-up like people you don't want to end up like?? Don't you think you should have talked to me about all this??

Option number 2 doesn't make any sense as much as I want it to be true...

from things I've been told and things people have said I've been the only girl who could really hurt him... and if I ever did I'm sorry for that because I never wanted to... I've been the only girl he has tried so hard with, the only girl who he was scared of hurting... but then if that's the case is he just scared of something real? He told me as he broke up with me that he thought of me as family!  What the heck? If I am your family why did you decide to cut me out of your life? are you just hurting yourself now because you are scared that I can hurt you in the future? are you just hurting me now because you know you will hurt me in the future?

you tell me one thing and do another... your words and your actions don't line up...

all the hurt that I feel comes from the lies... if you weren't happy with me then no don't be with me... that I can understand and that I can deal with... I don't understand how you can tell me you love me and tell me you care and lie to me over and over... I feel hurt and betrayed by what you did... I am not mad that you left... I am mad because you didn't have the balls to talk to me about anything so instead you let me live a fairytale that you planned on destroying!!!  I can't talk about you leaving, I can talk about the break up, I can't talk about how you played me for months... how you still are? (you must be because if you love me like you say you do we wouldn't be going through this... would we?) why would you build me up to throw me down?