think whatever you want boy

the fact is you hurt me... you hurt me more than anyone ever could have...

you didn't think about things you just lied and lied and lied...

you let me believe there was a future when you had already decided there was not...

you fucking ran away from an issue...

which is all you have ever done in your life... you don't like things or life gets tough so you pack up and leave... i don't know why i ever thought i was the one thing you wouldn't leave... silly me...

how many times did you move back and forth between here and there... you moved here to be with me... you moved away because you were stressed... you moved back because you were unhappy with your job... you became unhappy with your job/home life so you left again... you told me the other day if things don't work out there your are going to leave there too... what are you running from... yourself? you realize the common denominator every time you've had an issue is you!!  you can't run away from yourself no matter how hard you try... you need to try and learn to be happy with what you got instead if always wanting more....

truth is...

I loved you more than anyone
I cared for you more than anyone
I would have done anything for you & gone anywhere with you
You were my family
You were my life
I was always there for you no matter what

So believe whatever you want... yes im pissed... yes if i talk to you i will tell you that... you fucking hurt me so fucking learn to deal with it!

I didn't do anything to deserve to be treated the way you treated me so and I hope one day you realize how you hurt me!

Love is all you need?

I want to be mad but I am just so sad... stressed?  I know stress can cause illness and I feel physically ill... I feel like throwing up...

how can you tell me you love me but then say you are basically going to ignore your feelings to see if you get over them... ugh!!

I don't even have words to describe how I feel right now...

Still just sitting around confused and lost... I keep doing my happy things but they aren't making me happy... okay well they make me happy for a little bit but then I want to tell him or share stories of my day with him and then all the happy things that happened in my day just make me so sad...

I guess I am just a hopeless romantic and I guess that is why I can't understand why if two people love eachother they can't make it work... Love is all you need... right...?

weird feeling

I still feel the exact same way I did when we were together... shouldn't I feel different... the only thing that is different is I get upset when I can't share happy news with him but other than that I just feel like he is away somewhere and that I am just waiting... I dunno... I'm am working on moving on and not dwelling on the past and somedays it is hard but I dunno... day by day I guess...

just a quote

just part of a quote I heard and thought it was appropriate

'a lot of good things happen in a relationship and a lot of stuff you wouldn't wish on an enemy'

is this real

is this real? is this meant to be?

are we meant to be? did we need a break to figure things out? will we ever work anything out?

yes, no, maybe so... no one knows what the future will bring... I just hope I get back to being happy like I was with you... miss you..

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight

if we were to talk, you'd be in absolute shock, of the shit I would say

I am starting to feel like everything was a lie... how can he say he cared and loved me when he was always looking for something better behind my back? if he loved me and cared he would have never done that right? if he still loved me and cared like he says he wouldn't still be talking to those girls right? if he cares he needs to prove it if he doesn't he needs to tell me he doesn't and stop playing around with my head...

why?

why do I want to be with you
when you are so untrue

you made me hurt
you told me lies

so many times have I cried

you were on the lookout
for something new

blonder, thinner,
smarter too?

so many times you had something to hide

you made me feel
like I was no good

I couldn't keep your attention
like a girlfriend should

so many times you had to lie





so throughout our entire relationship he was always trying to meet new girls and flirt with girls and ask them for naked pictures and tell them he didn't have a girlfriend... no shit I didn't feel good... no shit I wasn't comfortable with you... if I didn't do something right I was worried you go call one of those girls! You made me feel worthless and I hate that I didn't stand my ground! I hate that I tried to ignore it! I hate that I tried to pretend it wasn't true. I had seen the proof so many times but yet I tried to deny... you said you cared about me but those actions showed me you didn't... so why do I try and look past those to see the good...

why do guys play a girl for years? what do they get out of it?

it's more than just a heartbreak

You tell me you love me
you tell me you care

you tell me you were making plans to leave months ago

to me that means you never loved me and never cared and that I was played for several months.  You should have just told me.  How could you put on an act, put on a show? You say it's because you didn't want to hurt me, are you serious?!?!? you hurt me a million times more by lying by pretending... that makes me feel that most of 2010 was just a lie!!! everything that happened, everything that was planned, every activity I did, every dollar I saved, everything was just a big fucking lie!!! For months you acted like everything was fine! for months you told me you loved me and kissed me goodbye!! how could you look me in the eyes and lie!!  How could you spend all that time with me and act like you loved me if it wasn't true? Really what was I to you for all those months?

and if that's not the case, what the fuck is going on then? if you love me like you say, why are you doing this to us? are you worried? did something happen? before you said you were leaving everything was fine, we loved, we laughed, we smiled.... what did I miss?? you said you were thinking of getting engaged, did you scare yourself away?? my only issue was that we didn't live together yet because I always thought that would make us stronger, are you scared of that? are you scared of what we could be? are you scared that we will end-up like people you don't want to end up like?? Don't you think you should have talked to me about all this??

Option number 2 doesn't make any sense as much as I want it to be true...

from things I've been told and things people have said I've been the only girl who could really hurt him... and if I ever did I'm sorry for that because I never wanted to... I've been the only girl he has tried so hard with, the only girl who he was scared of hurting... but then if that's the case is he just scared of something real? He told me as he broke up with me that he thought of me as family!  What the heck? If I am your family why did you decide to cut me out of your life? are you just hurting yourself now because you are scared that I can hurt you in the future? are you just hurting me now because you know you will hurt me in the future?

you tell me one thing and do another... your words and your actions don't line up...

all the hurt that I feel comes from the lies... if you weren't happy with me then no don't be with me... that I can understand and that I can deal with... I don't understand how you can tell me you love me and tell me you care and lie to me over and over... I feel hurt and betrayed by what you did... I am not mad that you left... I am mad because you didn't have the balls to talk to me about anything so instead you let me live a fairytale that you planned on destroying!!!  I can't talk about you leaving, I can talk about the break up, I can't talk about how you played me for months... how you still are? (you must be because if you love me like you say you do we wouldn't be going through this... would we?) why would you build me up to throw me down?

what happened?

so here is the story... we were together for 4.5 years...

he made plans behind my back to move away and stop seeing me... for several months

for those few months he acted like everything was normal and acted like he loved me and acted like he cared!!

why would he put on this show and make me keep falling more and more in love... I thought things were in such an amazing place and that things could only have gotten better...  there are still a few voicemails from him on my phone and there is no sign at all that he was falling out of love with me... there was so much love...

He still says he loves me and cares... if he loved me would he be doing this to me?

I didn't think it was ever possible to hurt this much...

I am just so hurt that he lied to me for months and just pretended that he wanted to be with me... thats what kills me inside... that is what makes me cry everyday... how can you tell me you love me everyday when you are making plans to leave me and keeping secrets from me... thats what hurts... thats what kills me inside...

High's and Low's, How far will I go?

you'd bring me up so high
I'd fly with the birds in the sky

you'd pull me down so low
I didn't know where to go

you had me so confused
downright broken and bruised

but still I loved you unconditionally
because I thought we were meant to be

now here I am without your love
because you couldn't handle when push came to shove

so now that I've got nothing to lose
I'll take the time and wear out these shoes

and fight for what I think is right
even though I see no end in sight

- Sept 20/10

Sick

Somedays it makes me sick
to think about all the shit
you gave up when you ran away
because you were too scared to stay

if you could have looked into my eyes
and told me what you decided to hide
and trusted me like you said you did
we could have had a chance kid!

but now everything is kept inside
you tell me you love me while you hide
you say that we have no chance
is that because you don't want to dance

are you scared, are you worried of what could be?
that you won't even give us the chance to see?
you tell me you love me, you tell me you care
so why is it that you couldn't share

what you felt, what you wanted,
what you needed to see
so that we could be everything
you wanted us to be

you lied to my face
told me everything was okay
I trusted everything you said
I let it go to my head

- Sept 20/2010